By Charles Craytor
Recently, I found myself stuck in a cycle of ruminating on what was bothering me. I know from experience that it’s not as easy as saying, “Stop ruminating.” While journaling, I asked myself, “What is a meaningful and effective way to respond to what I am experiencing?” Almost instantly, I was inspired to research and write about healing anxiety and developing secure attachment. This article is a step toward that goal. As I read and write about these topics, I haven’t had time to ruminate.
This paper is an ongoing exploration and application of a more secure attachment style. It’s not perfect, nor is it complete.
In my work with clients—and in my own life—I’ve come to realize that healing is less about fixing what’s “wrong” and more about learning to be present with what is. When they are alive and mutual, relationships are among our greatest teachers. They reflect the parts of ourselves we’ve forgotten, abandoned, or never learned to love.
When we have an anxious attachment style, our focus often centers on others—partners, friends, and colleagues—seeking reassurance, clarity, or control. We might wonder:
• What are they thinking?
• Why did they say that?
• Did I do something wrong?
This hyper-vigilance, while understandable, can detach us from our core. The more we focus outward, the farther we drift from the stable ground of our being. As Bugental (1987) reminded us, the task of therapy—and of life—is not to perfect the self but to become more fully present to our lived experience.
Healing an anxious attachment is, in many ways, an invitation to come home and be present with what is, with what we are currently experiencing—to nurture a secure connection with ourselves, even when it feels uncomfortable. This is where existential-humanistic practice aligns with attachment theory: the shift from dependency to freedom and responsibility, from anxiety to authenticity, and from preoccupation to presence.
Learning to Be with Yourself
A strong attachment begins with your relationship to yourself. Taking time for self-care isn’t self-indulgent; it’s an act of re-parenting and of learning to listen inwardly.
Self-care can take many forms: walking in nature, journaling, meditating, or simply sitting quietly with your breath. It can mean saying “no” when you’ve always said “yes,” or caring for your body with rest, movement, or nourishment. These small acts of care remind us that we matter — that our worth is not dependent on another’s attention or approval.
Rollo May (1977) wrote, “Freedom is not the absence of constraints but the presence of choice.” Each act of self-care is a quiet declaration of freedom—a choice to belong to yourself again.
Finding Secure Models
In therapy and in life, we often grow through connection. Finding someone who demonstrates secure attachment—a mentor, friend, or partner—can be deeply healing.
Observe how they navigate uncertainty. How do they respond when someone disappoints them or when communication breaks down? Notice their tone, patience, and willingness to trust the process as it unfolds.
This kind of modeling isn’t about imitation—it’s about inspiration. We learn not only by observing others but also by recognizing that we, too, can approach life with steadiness and care.
Developing Awareness
Healing begins with attention and awareness. Recognize the moments when anxiety pulls you out of the present. What stories surface when someone doesn’t text back, when a meeting ends abruptly, or when silence fills the space?
Try writing about these moments. Ask yourself:
- What emotions am I noticing right now?
- Where am I noticing bodily sensations?
- What emotions or feelings are arising in response to these sensations?
- What am I afraid might happen?
- What would be helpful for me to hear from myself?
Through reflection, patterns begin to emerge—not to judge them, but to understand them. Schneider (2008) observed that the capacity to be with our anxiety is the key to awe—not something to eliminate, but something that can expand our lived experience. Schneider (2023) further notes that anxiety, approached with courage and curiosity, can become “a vitalizing force—an invitation to deepen our engagement with life rather than retreat from it” (p. 42).
Van Deurzen (2012) also reminds us that anxiety is not a flaw to be eradicated but a signal of our freedom and potential. She writes that anxiety “opens us to the raw edge of existence, where the unknown invites us to grow.”
Cultivating Self-Trust
When we learn to trust ourselves, we let go of trying to control others. Self-trust grows each time we calm our own worries, speak honestly, or hold a boundary with calm strength.
This doesn’t mean we stop needing others; it means we relate from a place of wholeness rather than fear. Daisaku Ikeda (2002), the Buddhist humanist, writes, “The greatest of all human arts is the art of encouraging oneself.” When we learn that art, we no longer seek constant reassurance because we know how to reconnect with our own source.
bell Hooks (2000) adds that “to know love, we must first learn to love ourselves.” This practice of self-love is not sentimental but disciplined—the steady work of reclaiming one’s worth. She also notes that reclaiming one’s inherent value “is the foundation of all meaningful emotional connection.”
Regulating Anxiety Through Presence
Anxiety isn’t the enemy—it’s a messenger. It signals our longing for connection and safety. But when we respond with clinging, control, or overthinking, we amplify the very disconnection we fear.
Instead of managing anxiety by changing others, turn inward. Breathe. Notice the sensations in your body. Go for a walk. Write. Listen to music that moves you. These grounding practices help anxiety transform into awareness.
Through presence, we cultivate the freedom to respond rather than react.
Practicing Secure Behaviors
Healing attachment wounds requires new experiences that counteract old fears. Begin small. Spend intentional time alone. Let someone’s delayed response simply be. Communicate your needs calmly, without apology or reactivity.
When you practice these behaviors, anxiety may rise at first. That’s okay. Each time you stay grounded through it, you rewire your nervous system to trust safety where it once perceived threat.
Setting Boundaries as Acts of Love
Boundaries are not walls—they are expressions of self-respect. When you say, “This is what is best for me right now” or “This is not okay,” you affirm your inherent worth.
Clarify your values. Ask: What truly matters to me? What will help keep my relationships authentic and alive?
Healthy boundaries are not about controlling others—they are about creating a space where genuine connection can flourish. As Bugental (1987) noted, authenticity is “the courage to be.”
Taking Responsibility for Your Healing
Healing an anxious attachment style is a lifelong journey of reclaiming yourself. No one can do it for you—but you don’t have to do it alone.
Therapy, community, reflection, and supportive relationships can illuminate the path. The real work, however, lies in the moment-to-moment practice of choosing presence over panic, compassion over control, and authenticity over approval.
Over time, you may notice a quiet transformation: your relationships feel lighter, more reciprocal, and more alive. You begin to live from a place of secure connection—not because others never disappoint you, but because you’ve learned to stay connected to yourself through it all.
That, to me, is what healing truly means: coming home to yourself and, from that grounded place, finding the courage to love and be loved—freely, responsibly, and fully alive.
References
Bugental, J. F. T. (1987). The art of the psychotherapist. W.W. Norton.
hooks, b. (2000). All about love: New visions. William Morrow.
Ikeda, D. (2002). Unlocking the mysteries of birth and death. Middleway Press.
May, R. (1977). The meaning of anxiety. W.W. Norton.
Schneider, K. J. (2008). Rediscovery of awe. Paragon House.
Schneider, K. J. (2023). Life-enhancing anxiety: Key to a sane world. University Professors Press.
van Deurzen, E. (2012). Paradox and passion in psychotherapy. Wiley-Blackwell.